For Joel Dever

I recently ended caught, through Rodrigo Fresan or Juan Rulfo, by the Langage International des Morts and the existence of ghosts. This morning, these have become a boil, a crave coming from my deepest insides. The death of someone you know is hard to fathom, but what of the death of a close friend? Heidegger said (my words) that it puts a filter on reality, cutting you from the world where people react normally. There not there. Behind a blurred glass, blurred but very hard to break.

I saw Joel grow up from a shy keyboard player to a 'cocky' Dalstonite (God, I'd never thought I'd miss those dirty baggy green tracksuit). A child becoming an adult and God knows how difficult this can be. Actually, I felt closer to him, him born the year I was hit by C-86 than to 90% of the so-called adults I meet. Yes, we had our fair shares of squabbles, about his teenage selfishness, a certain laziness... But believe me, I've had much bigger fights with much smaller people.

Joel was a talented musician, composer and half of Battant, whose second album, As I Ride with no Horse, was and will be to be released next month. He also was my Chloe's best friend, they shared more than the band: a 'right attitude' if there is one and certainly the right sense of humor. She has lost a part of herself here, a part than even I can fill. I'll try as hard as I can though.

There aren't much point in finding out why it happened, it won't bring him back. I just know that the perspective of acceding success and happiness can be scary thing when you' ve wrongly felt worthless for years. And he was bound for it, he would have realized that success is only being proud of what you do. Nowt else.

Tears mixed with anger are running in this house tonight. But, once again, a one-legged horse will raise from his ashes, and we'll name him J.

FOR JOEL (I WISH I COULD EDIT MY TEARS)


All these equine thoughts (and a poem here) go to my love Chloe, Kristina, Anna, Aaron, Thom, Zoe, Fany, Steph and all who knew who Joel really was.